Both of my readers have seen Disney’s Snow White. Today, we rip the lid off Disney’s prettified version. The original Snow White story by Grimm is actually grim. The real story has it all: wicked step mother, fried animal entrails, dwarves, attempted cannibalism, stereotypical women’s work, necrophilia, and red-hot iron dancing shoes. Let us begin.
Once upon a time, a beautiful Queen gazed out her window at falling snow. The windowsill was painted black, the white snow glistened, and the Queen pricked her finger causing three drops of bright red blood to fall on the snow. The Queen had a sudden desire to have “a child as white as the snow, as red as blood, and black as the window frame.” She soon became pregnant, delivering a little girl she named Snow White. The Queen died in childbirth as was the custom in those days. Her King remarried a beautiful woman who became Snow White’s wicked stepmother.
The new Queen had a Magic Mirror into which she daily chanted: “Mirror, mirror on the wall/ Who is the fairest of them all?” The Mirror said the Queen was the prettiest until Snow White turned seven. The Mirror answered, “Your Majesty, you are still lovely, it's true/ But Snow White is a thousand times fairer than you.” This sent Queenie into a major tizzy. She ordered her Huntsman to take Snow White into the forest to kill her. Huntsman had to bring back Snow’s liver and lungs as proof of death.
Huntsman couldn’t bring himself to kill Snow. He let her run away into the deep woods hoping a wild animal would eat her.
He killed a boar instead, delivering pig lungs and liver to Queenie. Queenie, believing the guts to be Snow’s; breaded them, fried them, and ate them with fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Snow wandered through the forest, finally finding the cottage of the seven dwarves. She fell asleep in a bed. The dwarves found her when they came home from working in Mr. Peabody’s coal mine.
When Snow woke up, she told them the Huntsman story and begged to stay. The dwarves agreed to let her stay if she kept house, swept, cleaned, cooked, made the beds, washed the linen, and darned their socks. Women’s lib did not exist in Medieval times in the Dark Forest.
The Mirror blabbed to Queenie that Snow was still living. This freaked out Queenie to no end. She began a series of attempted murders of Snow. She disguised herself as a peddler selling lace. When Snow let her in, Queenie tied the lace so tightly around Snow that she could not breathe.
When the dwarves came home, they loosened the lace allowing Snow to recover. Queenie then poisoned a comb and in a new disguise knocked on the cottage door. Snow was smitten with the beautiful comb. Despite the dwarves warning, she let Queenie in. Queenie combed Snow’s hair which caused her to collapse.
Queenie said, “Let’s see how lovely you are when you start to rot!” This statement is harsh even for the Dark Ages. When the dwarves returned, they pulled the comb out of Snow’s hair which revived her.
Finally, Queenie came up with oldest trick in the book—the poisoned apple. One side of the apple was white and one side was red. There was no poison on the white side, which Queenie bit into to show Snow it was safe. Snow ate the poisoned right side of the apple and died. The dwarves were unable to revive her.
They made her a glass coffin to admire her corpse, like Lenin’s in the Mausoleum in Red Square. Months passed and Snow did not decay. One day a Handsome Prince of Necrophilia Province came by and saw Snow’s casket. He fell in love with her corpse and offered to buy her body from the dwarves. They refused to sell her but when the Prince professed his love, they gave her body to the Prince.
The Prince had his lackeys haul the coffin to his kingdom. A clumsy lacky stumbled, dropping the coffin which dislodged the poisoned apple from Snow’s throat. She immediately revived and fell in love with the Prince.
The Prince threw a grand wedding to celebrate, inviting the Kingdom to party down. Queenie showed up but Snow was ready for her. Queenie was made to put on iron shoes that had been heated red hot in a fireplace. Queenie was forced to wear the shoes and dance until she died. Snow and Prince Charming Necrophilia lived happily ever after.
So, what have we learned today? Don’t let strangers in your house. Women can trade their household labor for dwarf-insured security. Not every apple a day will keep the doctor away. Red hot iron shoes can cure the silent tragedy of toe fungus if you can’t find Fungi-Nail.