Exorcism (Rated R) 1 Star

When you name your movie The Last Exorcism you had better mean it. Obviously, since there was money to be made, the producers of The Last Exorcism Part II (88 minutes) decided to ignore this one simple fact. I have seen some crap horror movies in my time but this one is right up there in the top ten. I would venture to say it is even worse than any crap horror movie I saw in 2012 — The Apparition and Silent Hill: Revelation don’t even come close to matching this level of bad. I can never claim I didn’t know in ad-vance just how bad it was probably going to be, but this week’s alternatives weren’t much more appealing. For example, I would rather drive rusty railroad spikes into my eye sockets then watch Jack The Giant Slayer.

I’m not sure what is worse — that the first movie was actually a four star horror movie in my book (rendering the sequel that much more awful by comparison) or that this movie is so patriarchal it verges on satire. Of course, the first movie celebrated the patriar-chy just as much, but in the original version it worked by making male domination of the protagonist add to the horror of the narra-tive. Here, it just makes me roll my eyes.

And while we’re on the topic of the patriarchy and male oppression, etc., which Big Book of Stereotypes did the writers use to come up with the dialogue in this movie? I swear if I never hear the word “chile” for “child” again it will be too soon. And writers, please tell me more about your made-up religion that vaguely resembles Voodoo!

The film opens on some archival footage from the shaky-cam original. Then, the scene shifts to some kind of condo and a couple of randoms who are about to have a real bad day. When Random Male is attacked, the spooky musical cues clue us in that Something Demonic is Afoot. The scene ends on Nell (Ashley Bell, still looking like Michael Cera in a wig) crouched on top of a kitchen coun-ter, still wearing the filthy white nightgown from the first film.

She is supposed to be about 17, not that she looks it. For most of the film she is dressed like a thirteen old who is channeling her great grandmother. Maybe her fashion sense is what gets her put into the group home? Since it is immediately obvious to the doctors treating her that she has survived an encounter with a cult (eye roll), she is promptly put into a home for Wayward Girls Who Have Been Through Some Stuff.

The home is run by Frank Merle (Muse Watson) because if there’s one thing that girls from abusive homes need, it’s a strong male authority figure to fix their lives for them and tell them not to wear crosses for some undefined reason. Seriously — a group home, run by a creepy dude, who suggests to his young and vulnerable charge that she should not wear her cross.

Nell’s roommate Gwen (Julia Garner) befriends her, but she is possibly involved in the cult from the last movie or possibly possessed, or possibly a poorly written character. It’s really hard to tell. They work at a motel together, where Nell meets a boy named Chris (Spencer Treat Clark from Gladiator). Chris is not as creepy looking as Caleb the Ginger from the first film, but he’s pretty close. He is also possibly involved in the cult from the last movie, or possibly possessed, or possibly a poorly written character.

So, nothing really happens for most of the film, except her possibly dead or possibly not dead father Louis (Louis Herthum) showing up a few times. Then, there is this voodoo lady, and she is stupid and does stupid things with her stupid voodoo friends; the end. Thankfully, it was not filmed in shaky cam — the only thing that would have made this movie any worse.

Now showing at Wynnsong 7, Carmike 12 and Carmike Market Fair 15.