Anti-Weaponization Fund: Criming for dollars
- Details
- Tuesday, 09 June 2026
- Written by Pitt Dickey
I recently got an email from Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe, an advertising agency for lawyers. I retired years ago, but once you are on a mailing list, you can never escape. It is a form of immortality.
Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe has developed an advertising campaign for lawyers who want to represent clients in President Trump’s $1.8 billion Anti-Weaponization Fund (AWF) for his supporters who feel they were wrongfully prosecuted for attacking police at the White House on January 6.
The email was mildly interesting. I will share some of the campaign’s highlights which you can expect to see on TV, print ads, and billboards if the AWF eventually goes through.
The AWF (pronounced AWFUL) has some pretty cool provisions; not only can you get paid but you can get an official apology suitable for framing, and an autographed picture of former US Attorney General Pam Bondi. The tax dollars and apologies will be handed out by a five-person committee of the Most Excellent Five Dude$ who are sensitive to the needs of felons, misdemeanants, and victims of civil lawfare by the former Biden administration. If you are represented by well-connected attorneys who have the Five Dude$ on speed dial, your chances of recovering big tax payer bucks are greatly enhanced.
Enjoy some of the copy the ad agency will deploy on behalf of attorneys seeking contingent fees from the sweet, sweet pile of tax dollars piled up in the AWFUL treasure chest.
Here we go: “Convicted of a felony? A misdemeanor? Assault a police officer with a flag pole or bear spray? Did you poop on the walls of the Capitol? Steal a podium? Break things in the Senate Chamber?
Did punishment for any of these things result in you feeling great mental anguish? Would the application of a substantial money poultice to your bank balance make you feel better? Then apply now for the AWFUL fund. There is no fee unless we win your case. (In which case, our fee is a mere 50% of the settlement.)
Settlements range in a Calabash fish house style buffet of benefits: Cold hard cash, delectable pardons, baffling commutations, and auto penned apologies. The bigger your crime, the longer your sentence, the bigger potential settlement you can win.
Don’t bother with Fan Duel or other sports betting, the real sure thing is to have a conviction to collect from the AWFUL fund.
Each mouthwatering settlement will capture the District of Columbia’s fresh aroma of political pay offs, cleverly delivered in a welter of words written in AI derived slop making it clear that you, the criminal were actually the victim. Let the irresistible smell of piles of tax payer cash pay outs ease the pain of being inconvenienced for being convicted of crimes that you committed.
Our firm offers unparalleled access to the Five Dude$ who will be handing out $1.8 billion worth of tax payer money. Grab all you can eat settlements from the tax payers’ trough before it is too late. Are you tired of working? Tired of reporting to your parole or probation officer? Come to the Super Happy Bonanza of AWFUL cash and pick up a cool million bucks or more depending on your crime.
Enjoy finally being compensated for your actions in trying to overturn the results of the 2024 election. Buckets of cash are calling your name. Let our firm help you grab your ticket to easy money as you get ready for the 2028 election excitement and incitement.
Make an appointment today for a free interview to see how much money you can extract from the AWFUL fund. Bring your court documents, your parole officer, and your significant other who can testify to the mental anguish you sustained due to your unlawful conviction for your actions on January 6th.
$1.8 billion dollars won’t last forever, so hurry on down while the Big Bucks last. Past performance does not guarantee future results in the 2028 election. He who hesitates is lost. Don’t miss out on your last best hope for a big pay day and we are not talking about a candy bar.
The AWFUL fund seems in jeopardy at present. But like a herd of Zombies, it may return from the dead. Be ready to cash in. Call today at B-549. Tell ‘em Junior Samples sent you. Eternal vigilance is the price of financial liberty.
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