Ain’t love grand? Just in time for Valentine’s Day, here’s another story of the course of true love which never runs smoothly. This story will probably not appear on the Hallmark Channel.

However, as another fine leisure service of Up & Coming, enjoy Grimm’s Fairy Tale of the Goose Girl. Spoiler Alert: If you don’t know this story, go read the book. Trigger Warning for Snow Flakes: Contents of this story involve identity theft, an ungrateful servant, a talking horse, violence involving said horse, a flock of geese, a mean kid named Conrad, and a barrel of not fun.

 

 

You have been warned.

Once upon a time, there was a widowed Queen* (*not a Drag Queen) and her lovely Princess daughter. The Princess grew up to be a great beauty. On her 15th birthday, it was time to marry her off to a Prince as life spans were much shorter then.

The Prince lived far away in the Great Woods. The Queen prepped the Princess for her journey with a maidservant and a talking horse, Falada. As a good luck charm for the Princess, the Queen pricked her finger to let three drops of blood drip onto a handkerchief. Being a dutiful daughter, the Princess tucked the handkerchief into her dress for the road to romance.

It was a hot day. The Princess became very thirsty after a long ride. She asked her servant to fetch her some water in the golden goblet the Servant was carrying. In the first sign of trouble, the Servant refused to get water for the Princess, telling her to get it herself.

The Princess, being a Princess, had never had to get her own water. She was shocked but somehow managed to get her own water from the spring. The Princess thought “Dear Lord!’ The 3 drops of blood replied: “If your Mother knew this, it would break her heart.” Gentle reader, you didn’t know that blood drops could speak, did you? Now you do.

They rode on a few more miles. Princess got thirsty again. Servant refused to fetch water. This time the handkerchief fell out of Princess’ dress into a stream and floated away. Uh oh. When Princess tried to get back on her horse, Falada, Servant said “Wait a minute, Missy! That horse is mine. We are going to switch clothes and I will be the Princess and you will be the servant. If you don’t agree I will kill you here.”

The Servant made Princess swear a mighty oath she would never reveal what had happened.

When they got to the castle, the Servant was received as the Princess. This switcheroo predated the movie “Trading Places” where Eddie Murphy switched with Dan Aykroyd.

To keep Falada from spilling the beans about the switch, the Servant got the Prince to cut off Falada’s head. The real Princess arranged to have Falada’s severed head nailed to a gateway she would pass each day. The Fake Princess suggested to the Prince that the real Princess be assigned to work driving geese each morning as a Goose Girl. This was a lousy job as her Goose boss was a male chauvinist pig named Conrad.

Conrad had a hair fetish. He tried to pull out strands of the Goose Girl’s golden hair. The Goose Girl said some magic words and each day the wind would blow away Conrad’s hat. Conrad would spend the day chasing his hat instead of pulling her hair. Falada’s head commented each day on how the Princess’ mother’s heart would break if she knew of her plight.

Frustrated, Conrad squealed to the King about what Falada’s head said. The King hid by the wall to watch Falada speak. The King summoned the Goose Girl to the palace to explain. She told him she had sworn an oath not to tell anyone. The King told her to get into an unheated iron stove and tell her story to the stove. The King listened outside the stove, so technically she did not break her oath. The King believed her story and restored her to her rightful position.

They had a royal banquet to celebrate. The King asked the fake Princess a hypothetical question about what should be done to someone who had done all the bad things the Servant had done.

The Servant, being not too bright, said such a person should be stripped naked and put in a barrel studded with nails on the inside. Then the barrel should be tied behind two white horses and dragged until she was dead. This was what is now known as a “Gotcha question.”

The King ordered the Servant into a barrel and dragged through the streets until she expired. The real Princess and the Prince were married and lived happily ever after. No talking horses were injured during the telling of this story. Now you know why this story will never be on the Hallmark Channel.

Happy Valentine’s day.