Howdy boys and girls. It’s time once again to take a stroll into the deep woods of Grimms’ Fairy Tales to expose the real story of Rapunzel.
Buckle up, as this tale gets a bit hairy. Pull up a chair, light up a stogie, put Johnny Cash on the Hi-Fi, and here we go.
Once upon a time, long before in vitro fertilization existed or the Republicans tried to ban it, there lived a husband and wife who longed for a child but could not get pregnant.
They lived in a starter home next to a Witch’s mansion. The Witch’s property was surrounded by a high wall to keep out the riff-raff. Their house was zero lot line and had a small window that looked out through the wall into the Witch’s garden next door.
The wife eventually became pregnant. She developed the powerful food cravings that sometimes accompany that delicate condition.
Every day she looked out the window into the Witch’s garden. She became obsessed with the lamb’s lettuce which is sometimes called “rapunzel” growing in the garden. She told her husband that if she couldn’t get some of the rapunzel she would die.
The husband, not wanting her to die, promised to get her some despite the danger. He climbed the wall one night and got away with the precious veggie. Like the first shot of heroin is free, his wife liked the rapunzel so much, she demanded he get more. The next night when he went back the Witch caught him in the act.
The Witch was angry and threatened severe punishment. The husband begged her to spare his life because his wife might die without the rapunzel. Playing “Let’s Make a Deal,” the Witch agreed to let the husband live but they would have to give her the child when it was born. This is known as a contract of adhesion.
When the child was born, the Witch immediately took the beautiful little girl naming her Rapunzel. The Witch home-schooled Rapunzel until she was 12 years old.
Then the Witch took Rapunzel into the deep forest. She locked Rapunzel up in a tower that had no entry except a window at the top. Rapunzel never went to the beauty parlor so her long golden hair had never been cut. When the Witch wanted to visit, she would chant, “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let down your hair.”
Rapunzel would let down her hair, which was now 60 feet long, so the Witch could climb up. One day a handsome Prince was riding by and heard Rapunzel singing. He was smitten but could not figure out how to see Rapunzel. He hung around in the woods for several days, eventually hearing the Witch’s hair chant. When the Witch left, the Prince chanted “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.” It worked like a charm. Rapunzel tossed her hair out the window.
The Prince climbed up her hair into Rapunzel’s room. At first she was afraid of him as she had never seen a man before. Fortunately, he was good-looking. After some awkward conversation, they hit it off.
After a series of visits, the Prince and Rapunzel got up close and personal. The Prince, being a gentleman, asked Rapunzel to marry him. She agreed. One day, when the Witch came to visit, Rapunzel complained her clothes no longer fit her. The Witch immediately realized Rapunzel was preggers. The Witch went into a rage. She cut off Rapunzel’s hair and teleported her to a distant wilderness. Rapunzel was homeless, miserable and soon, the new mother of twins.
The Prince came back to the tower and did the Rapunzel chant. The Witch dropped Rapunzel’s shorn ponytail out of the tower so he could climb up.
When he got into the tower, the Witch confronted him, calling him a “fancy boy, a leech, a lounge lizard, and a high-born mongrel!” She pushed him out of the tower where he fell into briars that blinded both his eyes. The Prince then had to live as a wandering beggar until he heard Rapunzel singing.
She recognized him, skedaddling over to the Prince who hugged her and the twins. Rapunzel’s tears of joy fell on the Prince’s eyes curing his blindness. The royal nuclear family was now intact. The Prince took Rapunzel and the twins back to his kingdom where they lived happily ever after.
So, what have we learned today? Lusting after a vegetable can have unforeseen and unpleasant consequences such as child kidnapping, social isolation, a bad haircut, poverty, unwed motherhood, and blindness.
If Rapunzel’s mother had just stuck to the Brussels sprouts in her own garden, none of this would have happened. The moral: Do not covet thy neighbor’s lettuce. Eat your own vegetables. Children in China are starving.

(Illustration by Pitt Dickey)