Tired of Presidential election year hijinks? Is your guy a Saint and his opponent the Anti-Christ? Boring! That’s all the politics you will get from this column. Now, back into the Dark Forest of Grimms’ Fairy Tales to enjoy some musical animals.
If you want politics, retire to your news silo of choice to wallow in outrage.
Once Upon a Time, there was an old donkey. No, I am not referring to Joe Biden. This is a story about a donkey who reached the end of his working life. Donkey had worked in a mill hauling heavy bags of grain for decades. Like any carbon-based life form, he eventually became too old to work. His owner stopped feeding him. Donkey was old, but he wasn’t stupid. He realized the glue factory loomed on the horizon. Unwilling to be a part of Elmer’s Glue, Donkey ran away into the woods. His post-retirement plan was to move to Bremen to become a musician.
Pretty soon Donkey ran into an old dog. Dog was panting heavily and sadly. Dog explained he was too old to hunt. His owner was planning to kill him like Old Yeller. Donkey asked Dog to come to Bremen to play the drums where musicians were paid union scale. Dog, with no better option, agreed to go.
A bit farther along they found an aging cat who appeared “as if he had lost a pound and found a penny.” Sad Cat explained he was too old to catch mice. His mistress was planning on drowning him so he ran away. Donkey invited Cat to come along to be their lead singer. Finally, they came to a rooster sitting on a barn roof crowing at the top of his non-avian flu-infected lungs. Rooster explained that his mistress was going to cook him for supper so he was getting his last crows in before the final curtain in the stew pot. Donkey invited Rooster to come along to be a backup singer in Bremen.
Does this sound like the plot from the Wizard of Oz yet? It is a quest. Our buddies kept walking into the forest until dark.
They were all tuckered out, plopping on the ground to sleep except for Rooster. Rooster flew to the top of a tree and spotted a light in the forest. He alerted the rest that there might be a house nearby where they could rest. They quietly slipped up to the house. Donkey peeked in a window. The good news was there was a table filled with good things to eat. The bad news was there were a dozen robbers chowing down inside on the vittles. What to do? It was a conundrum.
They came up with a plan. They would all simultaneously sing, bark, crow, and bray to make a frightening racket. Their plan worked. The robbers were so scared they ran out of the cottage into the woods to escape the monster making the noise. Our heroes then went inside to eat like there was no tomorrow. After stuffing themselves, they fell into a food coma.
The robbers had been watching the house from the woods. When the light went out, the bravest robber, Lefty, snuck up to the house and went inside. Cat woke up with his eyes glowing in the dark. Lefty thought Cat’s eyes were smoldering coals and struck a match to Cat’s nose to start a fire.
Cat reacted in pain, yowling, scratching, and spitting at Lefty. Lefty tried to vamoose but tripped over Dog who bit him on the leg. Donkey kicked Lefty hard in his backside sailing him out the door. The rooster crowed loudly scaring Lefty even more.
Lefty told the robbers they could not go back because there was a witch in the kitchen who scratched him with her nails, a man with a knife who stabbed him in the leg, and a dude with a club who kicked him so hard “I think he broke my fundament.”
The robbers left the cottage forever. The four friends decided to give up their budding musical career to remain in the house. The Grimms ended this story by writing: “They’re living there still, and as for the last person who told this story, his lips are still moving.”
What have we learned today? As usual, very little. Rest assured no animals were harmed in the writing of this story; only one dim robber named Lefty. You may not be able to teach an old dog new tricks, but he can take a bite out of crime. Possibly that Old Friends are the Best Friends. As Mitch Miller used to sing: “Be kind to your friends in the swamp/ For a duck may be somebody’s mother.”
You are now free to roam about the country.

(Illustration by Pitt Dickey)