Like Hank Williams, Jr. almost sang before NFL games: “Are you ready for some Grimm’s Brothers old fashioned weirdness?” Today’s effort will retell the curious story of a mutant musical Hafling cockerel riding hedgehog. Trigger warning for sensitive readers: If you fear bagpipes, do not read the rest of this story. Go watch political ads instead. Let us begin.
Once upon a time, there was a rich farmer and his wife. Much to their dismay, despite vigorous repeated efforts, they were unable to conceive a child.
In frustration, the farmer blurted out: “I will have a child, even if it is a hedgehog.” Be careful what you wish for, his wife then gave birth to a baby boy whose top half was a hedgehog covered in spines and whose bottom half was a boy. The new parents were not happy with this situation. However, they were stuck with him. They named him Hans-My-Hedgehog. We shall refer to him as Hans.
Hans, a lethargic child, spent the next 8 years resting behind their stove. The Farmer wished Hans would kick the bucket. But instead of dying, Hans just lay there. Eventually, a fair came to town. The Farmer asked Hans what he would like from the fair. Hans asked for bagpipes and shoes for his cockerel. (Author’s note: a cockerel is a young male chicken.) Hans promised that if Dad brought back the bagpipes and shoes for his chicken, that he would ride away on the chicken to never return. Dad did as was asked. Hans rode off into the woods taking a bunch of pigs with him. The cockerel carried Hans and flew up into a tall tree where Hans spent the next few years learning to play the bagpipes and raising pigs.
One day a King who was lost in the forest came under Hans’ tree. He heard the beautiful bagpipe music. (Proof this is a fairy tale because there is no beautiful bagpipe music.) The King told Hans he was lost and asked for directions back to his castle. Hans told the King he would tell him the way but the King had to promise to give Hans the first thing he saw when he returned home. Naturally, the King saw his beautiful daughter first. The King told her that despite promising her to the half Hedgehog he wouldn’t honor his promise.
Soon after, another lost King came by Hans’ tree. He made the same promise to Hans in return for GPS instructions. King #2 also saw his beautiful daughter first. However, he told his daughter a deal was a deal. She would have to honor his promise. Hans stayed in his tree happily raising a huge herd of pigs for several more years. He eventually got bored living in the tree. Hans returned to his Dad with all his pigs for a big barbecue complete with hushpuppies.
After the party, Hans set out to see King#1 to collect his bargain. King#1 ordered his men to stop anyone riding on a chicken playing bagpipes by shooting, stabbing, bombing, knocking down, blowing up, and strangling him. Riding his chicken, Hans flew over the soldiers landing on the window of the castle. He threatened to kill the King unless he handed over his daughter. The King sent her away with Hans. When they were in the woods, Hans ripped her clothing and stuck her all over with his hedgehog spines. He then ordered her to go back to her castle because she had tried to deceive him.
Hans then went to King#2’ s castle where he was received with great pomp and circumstance. He married the princess. On their wedding night, she was afraid of his spines. Hans told her he would take off his hedgehog skin to have it burned as soon as he entered the bedroom. Hans’ groomsmen immediately burned his hedgehog skin breaking the spell. Hans turned into a real man, like Pinocchio becoming a real boy. Unfortunately, his human skin was charred. However, the King’s physician provided a magic ointment that cleared up his burns. Hans turned out to be quite handsome, much to the delight of his Princess. When King#2 died, Hans inherited his kingdom. Hans reunited with his own Dad who came to live with Hans and the Princess. They all lived happily ever after.
What have we learned today? If you see a half man half hedgehog flying on a chicken, playing bagpipes, do not lie to him. Ladies, sometimes you must kiss a hedgehog to find a Prince. Always remember the definition of a gentleman is someone who knows how to play the bagpipes but doesn’t. You are now free to roam about the forest.

(Illustration of Hans-My-Hedgehog playing the bagpipes and riding his chicken by Pitt Dickey.)