Howdy buckaroos, it’s time to put on the old Grecian Formula. Let’s mosey down to the Trojan War Corral to watch the showdown between Achilles and Hector. A little Greek mythology can go a long way. Like Brill Cream, a little dab will do you. Here is the highly compressed and mangled story of the importance of washing your ankles.
Achilles was born into a troubled family. His Momma was Thetis, a Sea Nymph. His Daddy was the mortal King Peleus. As a result, Achilles was half mortal and half Immortal. Achilles had the world’s most famous ankle. Gentle reader, you possess Achilles tendons as a result. Look at your feet. You can wiggle them due to your Achilles tendons. Your feet are your personal brush with Greek mythology.
Thetis was the original Mommy Dearest. There are several versions of why Achilles’ ankle became famous. Version A- Thetis wanted Achilles to become immortal and dipped him into the magic river Styx to achieve that goal. Unfortunately, she held him by his ankle while dipping him which left his ankle vulnerable to being killed. Version B- Thetis slathered ambrosia all over Achilles to protect his God half and put him on a fire to burn away his mortal half. Daddy Peleus interrupted her pyromania and saved Achilles from being toasted. This aggravated Thetis no end, causing her to abandon Achilles and his Daddy.
Version C- Thetis had a nasty habit of burning her children shortly after they were born. Peleus finally realized that even though his wife was frequently pregnant, there were no children pitter pattering around the palace. He followed her the day she gave birth to Achilles. He spotted her trying to roast Achilles like a chestnut over an open fire. Peleus yanked Achilles off the fire with only a burned foot. Peleus no longer trusted Thetis to raise Achilles without cooking him like a Toast’em Pop-Up. Like any good absentee Dad would do, he gave little Achilles with his burnt foot to be raised by the Centaur Chiron. Chiron decided to heal the burned foot. Chiron, who had no formal medical training, was resourceful for a half man/half horse. He performed the first foot transplant by digging up the corpse of Damysus, who had been the world’s fastest Giant. Chiron lopped off the Giant’s foot and attached it to Achilles left leg. This healed the burned area leaving Achilles with a vulnerable ankle.
Achilles grew up to be the world’s greatest warrior, despite his ankle secret. He ultimately got tangled up in the Greek versus Trojan War. He led the Greek navy and army to the City of Troy. The Greeks were camped outside Troy ready to be led by Achilles to whup up on the Trojans. Unfortunately, Achilles’ feelings got hurt by Agamemnon in a ruckus over a woman. Achilles started pouting and refused to leave his tent to lead the Greeks until Agamemnon apologized. Like Cartman in Southpark, Achilles wanted to pick up his football and go back to Greece quitting the war. As Cartman said, “Screw you guys, I’m going home.” The Trojans, who were led by Hector, learning of Achilles’ snit, attacked the Greeks. The Greek’s second in command was Patroclus who was perhaps, more than just a really good friend to Achilles. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Patroclus got killed in the battle with the Trojans. His death finally got Achilles fired up to return to battle.
Achilles went one-on-one with Hector. Before Achilles killed Hector, Hector asked for his body to be treated respectfully at a funeral. You would not like Achilles when he is angry. He told Hector: “My rage, my fury would drive me now to hack your flesh away and eat you raw.” Achilles killed Hector and dragged Hector’s body by his ankles behind his chariot to complete his diss of Hector.
As George Harrison sang: “All things must pass.” All good things, and even bad things, must come to an end. Achilles got into some more scuffles and adventures. Hector’s brother, a Dude named Paris, ultimately gets revenge by shooting Achilles with an arrow smack dab into his ankle. Achilles dies and gets sent to the Underworld. Eventually, his old buddy Odysseus visits the Underworld and runs into Achilles. He asks Achilles how things are going. Achilles is not a happy camper. He replies: “I would rather be a slave to the worst of masters, than be King of all the dead.”
What have we learned today? It is not enough to wash behind your ears. Wash your ankles. Being King of the Dead ain’t great.

(Illustration by Pitt Dickey)