Right now you are probably asking yourself why so few people hunt hummingbirds with sawed-off shotguns? The answer is that it takes too many hummingbirds to make a decent hoagie sandwich and a hummingbird with a shotgun could shoot back. Now, we shall move on to discussing why wedding nights can be fraught with unexpected issues.
Like most puzzlements, the answer to the question of troubled weddings can be traced back to Greek Mythology. That’s right, boys and girls, we are going to spend another 2 minutes of your life recanting yet another story from the Grecian Formula of life. Today we shall examine the tender star-crossed love story of the Danaids who were the fifty lovely daughters of Danaus the King of Libya.
Danaus had a twin brother Aegyptus who was the King of Egypt. Aegyptus coincidentally had fifty sons. Back then there was no cable vision so instead of binge-watching true crime shows, Royalty was into binge procreation of young ‘uns. Aegyptus wanted to be King of Libya as well as Egypt. He came up with a proposal to have his fifty sons marry Danaus’ fifty daughters which would ultimately bring Libya under his control. Danaus didn’t much cotton to this plan. The Goddess Athena then told him to build the first boat in history. Danaus and his daughters skedaddled on the Love Boat to Argos to escape Aegyptus. Unfortunately, his evil brother found out where the Danaus family were holed up. He showed up with an army and made Danaus an offer he could not refuse. Either the Danaids came out and married his sons or he would kill all of them.
Danaus chose life and the marriages were scheduled. Danaus was a crafty fellow. He had a plan to snooker his evil brother. Being the Father of the Brides, it was Danaus’ responsibility to pay for the weddings. He arranged a giant wedding feast with an open bar. There was a mighty hoorah of a party. Embarrassing toasts were given. Gossip was exchanged over the seating arrangements. The wine was flowing like wine. Drunkenness and loudly off-key karaoke singing split the night. A splendid time was had by all. The only fly in the ointment was that Danaus had secretly given each daughter a silver dagger and ordered them to kill her husbands on their wedding night. If you watched the Red Wedding episode of the Game of Thrones, you have an idea where this is going.
Forty-nine of the fifty Danaids obeyed Daddy’s orders. After their loutish newly minted husbands consummated their marriages and promptly fell asleep, they chopped off hubbies’ heads. The next morning the Danaids presented Danaus with forty-nine severed noggins. His oldest daughter Hypermestra did not kill her husband Lynceus as she was smitten with his good looks and because he respected her desire to remain a virgin. She warned Lynceus to escape during the night. In the morning, Daddy Danaus found out Lynceus had cheesed it out of town. He was mightily angry at Hypermestra for disobeying. Danaus put her on trial. The Goddess of Love Aphrodite herself appeared on Hyper’s behalf as a character witness. Aphrodite testified Hyper’s actions were made out of love and that no one should be punished for love. Hyper was duly acquitted.
Danaus now had to find new husbands for his daughters. Foot races were held with the winners getting to pick which daughter they wanted. It is unclear if Fan Duel was there to take bets. Eventually Hyper reunited with Lynceus and they lived happily ever after. For the other Danaids, trouble awaited. When they eventually died and went to the Underworld, a special punishment lurked. Breaking their marriage vows by killing their husbands, they were to wash away their sins in a special Rinse-O-Sin bathtub. They had to fill it with water from jugs from the local Underworld well. Naturally, there was a Catch-22 involved. The bathtub where they were to bathe had no bottom. The jugs leaked as well. No matter how many trips they made, the bathtub could never be filled. To this very day, the Danaids are still futilely pouring water into a tub that will not fill up.
So, what have we learned today? Unlike the 1950s TV show, “Father Knows Best,” in this case Daddy Danaus didn’t. His decision ultimately condemned his daughters to a fate worse than Sisyphus pushing his rock up a hill, Prometheus having his liver eaten daily by an eagle, or a Presidential Debate moderator trying to fact-check the Former Guy. The Danaids are eternally fated to always have dishpan hands without the benefit of soaking them in Palm Olive Liquid. Now, your problems don’t seem so bad, do they? At least you’re not a Danaid.