This close to the Presidential election things are looking grim. Negative commercials abound. Each side accuses the other of being the Anti-Christ. Had enough talk about childless cat ladies, Nude Africa, crazy liberals, Cat-kabobs, and fake news? Fear not, keeping with the grim nature of our times, here is a Grimms’ Fairy Tale to ease your mind from the constant demands for money from your favorite candidate.
Today we visit the story of He Who Must Not be Named – our pal Rumpelstiltskin. There is a pattern in Fairy Tales, wherein someone kites a check that a third person must cash or suffer ugly consequences. Today’s story is no different.
Once upon a time, there was a poor Miller with a beautiful daughter. One day the Miller ran into the King at a local Trader Joe’s. The Miller was anxious to make a good impression. He did what anyone would do. He told the King that his daughter could spin straw into gold. The King, who had been bored up to that point, perked up his ears at the thought of free gold. He told the Miller to bring her to the castle to spin some straw into gold. The Miller realized he committed a major party foul but had no choice except to deliver his daughter to the castle.
The King took Miss Miller to a room stuffed with straw. He told her unless she spun all the straw into gold by morning she would be killed. This put pressure on Miss Miller as she had no idea how to spin straw into gold. Like many Fairy Tale Maidens, she wept piteously. Suddenly a Short Dude unlocked the door and inquired why she was crying. She explained her problem to him. He said if you give me something I will do the job. She gave him her necklace which started him spinning straw into gold. When the King came by the next morning, the room was filled with gold. Kings tend to be greedy. This King was no exception. He took her to a larger room filled with more straw, telling her: “Spin it into gold or die in the morning.”
Her weeping resumed. Short Dude showed up again. He asked for a bribe and Miss Miller gave him her ring. “No problem!” said Short Dude spinning it all into gold. The King was tickled to death with the new gold. He took her to a giant room filled with straw and told her if she spun it all into gold, he would marry her to make her his Queen. When Short Dude showed up this time, she had nothing left to give him. Short Dude told her if she gave him her firstborn child, he would spin all the straw into gold. She promised to do so to avoid death and gain Queendom.
The King married her and about a year later she gave birth to a bambino. Sure enough, Short Dude showed up demanding the child. The Queen wept again, begging him not to take the child. He told her if she guessed his name in three days she could keep her child. She sent a messenger to scour the Kingdom for odd names. On the first day, she guessed Casper, Melchior, or Balthazar (Extra Credit: these are names of the 3 Wise Men). Wrong! On the second day, she guessed Pickleburster, Hankydank, and Mustardplaster. All wrong. Panic set in. She sent out her messenger one last time. He came back with a story about seeing a Short Dude dancing in the woods singing: “One more day and then she’ll see/ The Royal child belongs to me! / Water, earth, and air, and flame/ Rumpelstiltskin is my name.” The Queen was happy as a clam on hearing this.
Short Dude showed up the next day demanding his name. The Queen messed with him, guessing Tom, Dick, and Harry. Finally, she asked him if his name was Rumpelstiltskin. Short Dude went into a Freak Off worthy of P. Diddy. He shouted: “The Devil told you that!” He was so mad he stomped his right foot into the ground all the way up to his waist. Then he took his left foot in his hands and tore himself in half. Ouch! Yikes! & Gross!
So, what have we learned about names today? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. I went to the desert on a horse with no name. My name is Puddin-In-Tane, ask me again and I’ll tell you the same. To quote Mick Jagger: “Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and taste. Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name.”

(Illustration by Pitt Dickey)