Psst! Want to hear a Guy Fawkes story? Never heard of him? Listen my children and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Guy, 36 barrels of gun powder, and a pack of matches. Today’s column will rear its ugly head in print on 6 November.
Coincidentally, this is the day after America voted for President and the day after Guy Fawkes Day in England. As of the writing of this column, nobody knows who will be the next President. When the column appears it remains unlikely anyone will know who the President will be.
America’s post-election days of rage will just be beginning. Perhaps Guy’s experience can offer us some perspective on what to expect. Someone said history doesn’t repeat itself but occasionally rhymes. See rhyme at end of column.
Take a ride in Mr. Peabody’s Way Back Machine to return to 5 November, 1605 when Guy and his buddies were hoping to blow up the British Parliament. 1605 was not a great time to be a Catholic in England.
Queen Elizabeth I had been repressing Catholics by banning them from celebrating mass or getting married in their church. She managed to get herself excommunicated by the Pope for her troubles.
When she died in 1603, King James I took the throne. He was even harder on Catholics than Queen Liz. King Jimmy’s momma, Mary Queen of Scots, was a Catholic. Queen Liz had Mary executed. Jimmy was not a big fan of the Catholic Church.
Guy and his buddies decided it was time for a change. They hatched the Gunpowder Plot to blow up Parliament on its opening day along with King Jimmy and his court. It was like America’s January 6 Protesters on steroids.
The real leader of the Plot was a dude named Robert Catesby. Guy Fawkes gets all the publicity instead. Chalk it up to the vagaries of history. Like Jack Torrance at The Overlook Hotel in “The Shining,” Guy got a job as the caretaker of the cellar located below the House of Lords’ Chamber in Parliament.
The plan was to bring in a bunch of gunpowder to blow Parliament, the King, and the House of Lords into little tiny smithereens. Think of Wile E. Coyote sitting on a giant pile of Acme Brand dynamite. It was to be crude but effective.
The plan was for Guy to light a long fuse to the gunpowder, then high tail it across the River Thames to watch the fireworks from the other side. Chaos would ensue. The government would be emptied of leaders except for tiny chunks of well done royalty. No one would be left in charge.
Guy and his buddies could then start a rebellion to set up a new pro Catholic government. They would kidnap King Jimmy’s daughter Elizabeth and force her to marry an eligible Catholic dude. This would then bring a Catholic King back into power. Seems to be an excellent plan. But to quote Mike Tyson: “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.”
Unfortunately for Guy, his plan got punched in the face before he could light his fuse. Someone sent an anonymous letter to a Catholic sympathizer warning him to stay away from Opening Day of Parliament.
The King’s men intercepted the letter and figured out there was trouble afoot. The King sent out a SWAT team to search Parliament. When they got to the cellar below the House of Lords, they found Guy sitting with 36 barrels of gunpowder and a pocket full of matches. It is likely Guy said a dirty word when he got caught.
Guy was tried for treason and sentenced to a grisly death by being tortured, then hanged, drawn, and quartered. Legend says that Guy jumped from the gallows to break his neck to avoid the inconvenience of being tied to four horses and having his limbs yanked from his body while still alive.
Parliament declared November 5th to be an annual day of celebration complete with bonfires, fireworks, parades and burning effigies of Guy. The Brits still celebrate it today.
Remember my promise of rhyming history? Forgot it, didn’t you? Little British children for the last 400 plus years celebrate Guy Fawkes Day by chanting: “Remember, remember, the Fifth of November/ Gunpowder treason and plot/ We see no reason/ Why gunpowder treason/ Should ever be forgot.”
Let us hope that America’s Fifth of November will not be quite as memorable as Guy Fawkes Day. A cataclysm by any other name would smell as sweet. Consider Rodney King’s eternal question: “Can’t we all just get along?” The answer is: Probably Not.

(Illustration by Pitt Dickey)