Psst, hey kid, have I got a deal for you? Wanna save big bucks on airfare? Like heroin, the first shot is almost free. Invited to a wedding in Arizona, we elected to fly in a great silver bird. Many excellent airlines fly west.
Like Dirty Harry said to a bad guy, “Are you feeling lucky, punk?” We felt lucky. We would fly on a Cheapo Airline for a change instead of a brand name. We had lots of luck on Kevorka Air, just not the good kind. Allow me to elucidate.
If you are a Seinfeld fan, Kramer had the Kevorka as defined by the Latvian Orthodox Church. The Kevorka is the Lure of the Animal.
It made Kramer irresistible to women, leading a novice Nun to pursue Kramer. Kevorka also means the Lure of the Cheap. Our desire for a cheap flight was seduced by Kevorka Air.
The price was right on Kevorka Air. Only $355 for both of us for round-trip tickets to Arizona. This is about half the price on a normal airline. What could go wrong? We were going to be Masters of the Air. Lords of Economy Flying. Like Yogi Bear, we were going to be smarter than the average airline.
Can you say: “Sucker!” I knew you could.
The cheap flight was the trickiest part of Kevorka Air. The flight is conveniently nonrefundable, and then the fun begins. You are now at their mercy.
It costs $69 for each carry-on bag per flight segment. There are two flight segments each way, RDU to Atlanta and then Atlanta to Phoenix. That’s $280 for your carry-on bags to fly round trip. A checked suitcase costs $79 per segment for another $320. Our luggage cost more to fly to Phoenix than it cost to send us there. To mangle one of Glen Campbell’s best songs, “By the time I get to Phoenix, I’ll be broke.”
The airport produced an exciting new hidden charge. I had booked the flight online, but somehow missed printing the baggage bar code.
Silly me, I thought with the Flight Confirmation number I could print the baggage bar codes at RDU.
Nope.
For reasons best known to the back-room price gougers at Kevorka Air, the machine refused to recognize my confirmation number. This meant speaking to a Kevorka Air human agent to check our bags. Kevorka charges $50 to speak to a human desk agent. He feigned being apologetic, but refused to help unless I kicked in $50 to speak to him. Company policy. Pay or suitcase stays in Raleigh.
We paid. He printed the baggage sticker using my confirmation code.
The seats on the plane are made of hard plastic complemented by a paper-thin pad to allow you to become one with the plastic. The world’s smallest seat back tray appears. A large coffee barely fits on it. If cheap accouterments and price gouging are your thing, this is your airline.
When the preflight safety brief was given, I fully expected it to include the following talk:
“In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, a mask will drop down. If you would like for oxygen to flow, there is a charge of $59 per person which can be paid by the credit card reader located under your seat pad. If we make a forced landing, there is a $200 fee to use the emergency exit. Please scan your Exit QR code on your phone to show the stewardess before attempting to exit the plane. In the event of a water landing, there is a $300 fee to rent a flotation device, if you still have arms after the crash. Passengers without arms will only be charged $150 for an inflatable Hello Kitty cushion which can be held in your teeth if you still have a mouth.”
The Gate for Kevorka is always located at the far end of every terminal. The Atlanta gate was particularly charming; featuring a mob of rowdy cheap seaters congregating and jostling each other waiting to board.
A gate agent futilely tried to create a path through the boisterous crowd so incoming passengers could deplane. Moses had more luck parting the Red Sea than the agent did with getting the crowd to leave room for people to get off the plane. The crowd’s mood resembled a bunch of drunk Philadelphia Eagles football fans right before they threw snowballs at Santa Claus.
Moral: You can’t judge an airline by looking at the cover charge. As in all things, attention must be paid to the fine print. Fortunately, the wedding was excellent. The Bride was beautiful and the Groom was handsome.
To quote the Raven on Kevorka Air: “Nevermore.”

(Illustration by Pitt Dickey)