Right now, you are probably asking yourself, “What’s the NIL all about, Alfie?” Mr. Science is going to explain how the NIL has improved college sports. Pull up a chair, put the dogs out, and light up a stogie. Enlightenment awaits.
The critical issue confronting America is what to make of college sports now that the NIL (Name, Image, & Likeness) has slithered out of the darkness of the toothpaste tube of secret alumni money into the full light of day. Colleges can now openly rent athletes by the season. I asked Mr. ChatGPT what was the total amount colleges are currently paying players, unfortunately, he did not know. Let us assume it is a lot. A whole lot. A mega lot, to get technical.
Like an overturned ant hill, college players skedaddle in the portal from one college to the next to get bigger paydays. It is quite charming. Where shall this money to fill NIL’s maw be found? Providing Sopranos-like No-Show jobs to our fine student-athletes just ain’t gonna cut it anymore.
What is a college to do? The academic part of most Universities is just a loss leader. Seems a pity to waste money on professors, labs, and libraries. The real money comes from packing football stadiums with fans. For example, take my beloved alma mater, UNC at Chapel Hill. Or as Henny Youngman used to say: “Take my wife, please.” UNC added beer and wine sales at Kenan in 2019 to beef up sports revenue. Prior to 2019, no one ever consumed alcohol during UNC football games. This statement may not be completely accurate. It is only a matter of time before In Stadium Betting is added to concession stands in Kenan. UNC’s inability to compete with Fan Duel sucking money from its fans will not last much longer. Players won’t play for dear old NCU just for the love of the game. Buying a BBQ sandwich while betting on the game is coming.
The Heels hired a fancy new $10 million-a-year football coach. UNC promised to increase its NIL money from $4 million in 2024 to $20 million in 2025. We are gonna need bigger bucks. Voila! Like Venus rising on the half shell from the sea, the CAROLINA NIL, like some rough beast slouching towards Bethlehem is born. The legal name of CAROLINA NIL is, in fact, in all capital letters. It shouts: “Give me MONEY or get lost.” The old timey Rams Club is now just a shining artifact from the past in the Brave New World of NIL money.
Consider a modest suggestion for fundraising for CAROLINA NIL based on the old Rams Club formula of donor classes. Not all fans are created equal. Rams club donors are classified in eleven levels of sedimentary bribes to be eligible to buy football tickets. Rams Club memberships range from $100 for Little Bitty Rams up to $50,000 a year for Legend Class Ram Members. Each.
Perhaps the CAROLINA NIL could use these levels of giving:
• Mini NIL club: $500. Member gets a UNC decal to adorn their TV
• Pituitary Deficient NIL club: $1000. Member gets decal, UNC hat, Beat Dook button from Shrunken Head
• Malodorous NIL club: $2000. All prior swag, plus a lawn chair to sit in the Bell Tower Parking lot to listen to the game outside Kenan Stadium
• Rabid Fan NIL club: $10,000. 2 seats on the visitors’ side in the broiling sun, one free stadium hot dog
• True Blue NIL club: $20,000 2 seats on visitors’ side beneath the overhang, two hot dogs and a bag of Houston peanuts.
• Mega Pint NIL club: $50,000. 2 seats under overhang on home side, 2 hot dogs, peanuts, 2 cold Chik Filet sandwiches, two Molson beers
• Super NIL Club: $100,000 All prior perks, ability to call 6 offensive plays in each half, 4 Molsons
• Super Duper NIL club: $250,000. Sit by Coach’s wife in Sky Box, Ability to call 6 offensive and 6 defensive plays each half.
• Most Holy Poobah NIL club: $500,000. Ability to fire the Athletic Director, the Chancellor, and the entire UNC Board of Governors. 6 Molsons
• Lion of Judah NIL Club: $1 million. All the above, plus the right to execute up to three referees per season who make bad calls against Carolina.
• Eternal Fan NIL Club: $2 million, all above plus right to have your body embalmed by the UNC Medical School and your coffin placed at the 50-yard line for all future Carolina football home games.
Get on board the NIL train. It’s leaving the station. Like Winston at the end of George Orwell’s novel “1984,” you must learn to love Big Brother.

(Illustration by Pitt Dickey)