Been to the grocery store lately? Seen another human being in the last week? If so, you have either personally seen the upwardly mobile price of eggs or listened to someone complaining about it. The bird flu is upon us, leading to the ethnic cleansing of zillions of chickens. Econ 101: Fewer chickens means fewer eggs.
Fewer eggs mean higher prices. As Peter Griffin of “Family Guy” would say: “Haven’t you heard? The bird is the word.” With all the talk about eggs, consider a tender love story most fowl from Greek Mythology: The union of Leda and the Swan. The blurb about eggs was a trick to get you more Greek Mythology. It’s the oldest shell game in the book. The yolk is on you. If you have read this far, you might as well complete wasting your time by finishing this column.
This story has it all: Sex, Bird chase, interspecies whoopee, paternity issues, and a tangle of parentage that would cross the eyes of a West Virginia Preacher at a family reunion-marriage up in the Holler. Leda, the daughter of a mortal King, was a major babe. Leda was so fine she caught the attention of Zeus, the King of the Gods. Zeus, who had an eye for the ladies, was smitten by Leda. A smitten Greek God does not worship beauty from afar. He goes for it.
On Leda’s wedding day to the King of Sparta, Zeus made his move. Leda was alone in a garden calming her pre-wedding jitters with a flagon of wine. Zeus hatched a plan to get up close and personal with Leda.
He turned himself into a large swan and had an eagle chase him. In his dramatic effort to escape the eagle, Zeus swooped down out of the friendly skies conveniently falling into Leda’s lap. Zeus faked injury and exhaustion due to his narrow escape from the eagle.
It is well known that no Queen can resist helping an injured swam. Leda cuddled up with the swan to protect him from the eagle. Trigger warning for Snowflakes and others of tender sensibilities. The story gets a bit racy here.
Stop reading and go ban a book somewhere. Snowflakes all gone? OK, here is the PG-13 spoiler. One thing led to another while Leda cradled the swan. Heavy necking and petting ensued. Swans have really long swanlike necks, so you can imagine where this is going. Zeus put a spell on Leda to make her fall in love with him. She made whoopee with the swan and possibly got into the family way.
Leda picked herself up, brushed herself off, and changed into her bridal gown because it was still her wedding day. The wedding went off without a hitch.
By evening she was married to the unsuspecting King of Sparta. Like the amorous Froggy in the old song, she did not let on that she had been a’ courting with a swan earlier. The King and Leda consummated their marriage that night. For reasons not readily apparent, it is unclear except to a bird brain, as to who the real Baby Daddy is in this situation.
There was a clue to paternity. Instead of giving birth like Aretha Franklin’s natural woman, Leda laid two eggs which hatched out four children. Her kids were Helen of Troy, Clytemnestra, Castor, and Pollux. There is no mention why the King of Sparta was not tipped off by the large broken eggshells in the nursery as to who was the real Baby Daddy.
The paternity of her children is scrambled like eggs in mythology. Sometimes the kids are like Hobbits as being half divine and half mortal. Sometimes the kids are all divine or all human depending on which story you believe.
Mostly Helen is described as Zeus’ love child. Usually, Pollux gets credit for being Zeus’ son and his twin brother Castor is the son of the mortal King of Sparta. Clytemnestra, Helen’s sister, is most likely human but a bit vindictive. When she grows up, she marries King Agamemnon. King Aggy sacrifices their daughter to get some favorable winds from the Gods to attack Troy.
Clytemnestra does not cotton to King Aggy’s killing their daughter. It ruins their marital bliss. She has an affair with another dude. Not wanting the scandal of a royal divorce, she and her lover murder King Aggy to get him out of the way.
So, what have we learned today? It is likely your love life is not as convoluted or as homicidal as interpersonal relationships in Mythology Land. Have a happy Valentine’s Day. Pro Tip: Gentlemen, do not buy your Significant Other an iron or a mop as a Valentine’s gift. Stick with flowers and candy.

(Illustration by Pitt Dickey)