Want to be absurdly adorable? Get some Woolly Mice genes. A former US Vice President, Thomas Marshall once said: “What this country needs is a good five-cent cigar.” Pause to reflect on this profound statement. You don’t remember Tom Marshall? He VEEPED for Woodrow Wilson. Yeah, that Tom Marshall. Tom’s statement also reveals what this country needs is herds of Woolly Mammoths roaming our fruited plains making America great again. His words echoed across the decades to be harkened by the esteemed firm Colossal Biosciences. With a name like Colossal Biosciences, you know it has to be good.
The scientists at Colossal recently presented the world with transgenic Woolly Mice who are the first step towards recreating Woolly Mammoths. Transgenic mice are not to be confused with transgender mice which is another column altogether. To make a transgenic mouse, Mr. Science must alter the genes of a regular mouse to produce a Woolly Mouse. According to Science News, America now has its very own herd of 32 Woolly Mice. The mice are described as having “long, luxurious golden locks of tufted fur inspired by the coats of Woolly Mammoths”, and are “so absurdly adorable.”
The invention of Woolly Mice proves America is the front runner in creating new, improved mice. As Lee Greenwood almost warbles: “I am proud to be an American, where at least I know Woolly Mice are free to enjoy genetic editing.” The goal of creating Woolly Mice is to ultimately use gene editing stylistics to recreate Woolly Mammoths. Beth Shapiro, the chief science officer at Colossal, is quoted as saying: “Of course, mice are not elephants, which people have helpfully pointed out to us, as if we didn’t know that.” The goal is to figure out how to insert genetically tweaked genes into Asian elephant cells to recreate Woolly Mammoths.
In case you are wondering, transgenic manipulation is not the same as cloning. There are a bunch of frozen Mammoths lying around in the tundra but the centuries have destroyed their gene cells that would allow cloning. Another science person is quoted saying: “A Mammoth is not an elephant in a fur coat.” Colossal has developed “elephant pluripotent stem cells” which can develop into any kind of elephant cell. Impress your friends by working the phrase “pluripotent stem cells” into your next discussion of ancient aliens from outer space or how NIL money has wrecked college sports.
Mice are better subjects for transgenic fooling around because they are pregnant for only 18-21 days. An elephant (which incidentally never forgets) is pregnant for 22 months. For quick and easy rodent results, like with Shake & Bake oven fried chicken, you gotta go with fast reproducing mice for Primo Woolly Mice. Colossal predicts it will have the first de-extincted Woolly Mammoth calves cavorting in various meadows by 2028. My heart be still. I can hardly wait.
If America is successful in de-extincting Woolly Mammoths, certain issues will remain. Where will we store them? Their habitat, which allowed them to thrive back in the Pleistocene days, vanished about 12,000 years ago. With the cutbacks in the National Parks Service, we don’t have park rangers available to protect our new woolly friends. Overprivileged, self-indulgent billionaires would pay big bucks for licenses to hunt and kill Woolly Mammoths. Imagine the thrill of hunting Woolly Mammoths from a helicopter armed only with rocket propelled grenades to blast the fuzzy buggers back into the Stone Age. Can we save Woolly Mammoths from the Oligarchs? The Magic 8 Ball says: “Outlook not so good.”
Why should we continue to try to bring back Woolly Mammoths if they are just going to be gunned down by billionaires? Obviously, to fund tax cuts for trillionaires. Think of what billionaires would pay to keep themselves from becoming personally extinct by using the Woolly Mouse genetic treatment. We are talking serious money. Imagine: a billionaire dies, he is flash frozen like a Birds Eye TV Dinner, and his cells are shoved into some unsuspecting stem cells. Voila, back he comes, tanned, rested, unfrozen, and ready to oppress the little people once again. Consider John Sibley’s quote: “If life was a thing that money could buy, the rich would live and the poor would die.”
Just because you can do something does not mean you should do it. There are lots of dead people out there who should not be de-extincted despite the fact they still have fans. Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, OJ Simpson, and John Wilkes Booth to name a few. Careful what you wish for. Sometimes you get it.

(Illustration by Pitt Dickey)