Congratulations, Gentle Readers! Always wanted to be like Mike? Michael Jordan, Carolina’s greatest basketball player of all time?

What? You can’t dunk the ball? Well, no matter, you can be like Otzi the Iceman who enjoyed pancakes 5,300 years ago.

Now is the most wonderful time of the year — the 49th Annual Cape Fear Kiwanis Pancake Festival. It occurs March 3 and 4 from 7 a.m. to noon at the Greek Orthodox Church and Hellenic Center conveniently located at 614 Oakridge Avenue.

For only $7 it’s all you can eat pancakes, sausage from local pigs, and coffee plus the thrill of seeing your friends and neighbors enjoying a sugar high while covered in maple syrup.
Don’t miss out on this exciting event. Dine in or take out. These delicious pancakes are selling like hot cakes.

You interject: “How can I, a mere resident of early 21st Century America, be like Otzi the 5,000-year-old Iceman?”

First, a bit of history how Otzi fits into the pantheon of pancake lore. Then some pancake factoids to whet your appetite for Kiwanis pancakes.

Once upon a time, back at the end of the Copper Age, some 5,300 years ago, Otzi left his wife Harriet back at the cave. He began a hike across the Italian Alps to seek his fortune.
Unfortunately, Otzi came across a band of brigands who were up to no good. After 53 centuries, the trail has gone cold as to exactly what happened to Otzi. It is clear he came to a sudden and tragic end.

In 1991, two German hikers walking across a snow field in the Alps came upon Otzi’s body half buried in the ice.
Initially, the authorities thought Otzi was the remains of a recent lost climber. After further examination, it turned out Otzi was over 5,000 years old. He was older than the pyramids, older than Stonehenge, even older than Joe Biden.

When Mr. Science got hold of Otzi, he did what scientists always do: Autopsy our man. Otzi had an arrowhead embedded in his shoulder and multiple stab wounds. The bad guys had done him in.

Overall, for a guy who had been dead and a frozen mummy for 5,000 years, Otzi was in surprisingly good shape.
He still had his bear skin hat, clothes, some weapons, and his AARP card. Fun Fact: Otzi had 61 tattoos.

Mr. Science examined the contents of Otzi’s stomach which contained most of his last meal. The autopsy determined Otzi had consumed the Copper Age equivalent of pancakes at breakfast of his last day.
Gentle Reader, even if you can’t be like Michael Jordan, you can be like Otzi. Come enjoy pancakes at the Cape Fear Kiwanis Festival without the need to be shot by an arrow, stabbed by bad guys, or frozen for 5,000 years. All you have to do is show up at the Greek Orthodox Church to dig in to the world’s finest pancakes and sausages

As promised, some colorful facts about pancakes. Pancakes have many aliases: hoe cakes, buckwheat cakes, johnny cakes, journey cakes, griddle cakes, and flap jacks.
Pancakes have been around even before Otzi. Archeologists have found evidence of pancakes in 30,000 year old ashes of ires of Stone Age Dudes and Dudettes.

Ancient Romans probably invented the modern equivalent of pancakes in the First Century by mixing up milk, flour, spices and eggs.

William Shakespeare wrote about pancakes in his play “As You Like It” in a conversation when Touchstone tells Rosalind: “Of a certain knight that swore by his honor they were good pancakes, and swore by his honor that the mustard was naught. Now I’ll stand to it, the pancakes were naught and the mustard was good, and yet the knight forsworn.”
Why anyone would want to put mustard on pancakes is anybody’s guess. If people were putting mustard on pancakes back in Shakespeare’s time, it is no wonder they are all dead now. What a waste of a good pancake.

The French version of pancakes, Crepes Suzette, was invented by accident in 1895 when a Paris waiter accidently set pancakes on fire while preparing dessert for the future English King Edward 7th.

Wonder why we eat pancakes on Shrove Tuesday before Lent begins? During Lent Christians are supposed to think about Easter and avoid eating rich foods. Shrove Tuesday was the last day for Christians to use up eggs and fats by making pancakes before the Lenten fasting period. Shrove Tuesday’s alias is Mardi Gras for those keeping score.

Shrove Tuesday Pancake Races are big in the United Kingdom. The contestants race carrying a frying pan while flipping a pancake three times. The origin of the race allegedly began on Shrove Tuesday in 1445 when a lady was making pancakes and heard the church bell ringing. She left her house and ran to the church still carrying her frying pan with pancakes in it.

So, what have we learned today? Finally, something worthwhile. Head over to the Kiwanis Pancake Festival at the Greek Church for some mighty fine eating with your friends.
Happy Belated Shrove Tuesday.